There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

The  less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not  interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three  years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

I  call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce  porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of  this at the same time because I am a free American.

On  my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I  can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.